Joanna Faber and Julie King


Chapter 1. Tools for handling Emotions

1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words

"You were looking forward to that playdate. how disappointing!"

"it can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart."

2. Acknowledge feelings with writing

"Oh no! We don't have the ingredients we need! Let's make a shopping list."

"You really want that underwater Lego set. Let's write that down on your wish list."

3. Acknowledge feelings with art

"You seem so sad."(Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.)

"You are this angry!" (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.)

4. Give in Fantasy what you cannot give in reality

"I wish we had a million billion more hours to play."

5. Acknowledge feelings with (Almost) silent attention

"Ugh!", "Mmm.", "Ooh.","Huh"

- All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!

- Sit on those "buts.".substitutee: "The problem is..." or "Even though you know ..."


Chapter 2. Tools for engaging cooperation

1. Be Playful

- Make it a game.

"Can we get all the cars into the box before the timer beeps? Ready...set...go!"

- Make inanimate objects talk.

"I am an empty sock. I need a foot in me!"

- Use silly voices and accents.

"I..am..your..robot..must..buckle..seat..belt..now."

- Pretent!

"We need to climb this slippery mountain into the car seat."

- Play the incompetent fool.

"Oh dear, where does this sleeve go? Over your head/ No? On the arm? This is so confusing! Thank you for helping me!"

2. Offer a choice

"Do you want to hop to the tub like a  bunny, or crawl to the tub like a carb?"

3. put the child in charge

"John, would you set the tier and let us know when it's tie to leave?"

4. Give information.

"Tissues go in the trash."

5. Say it with a word (or a gesture)

"Trash!"

6. Describe what you see

"I see most of the blocks put away in the toy box. there are only a few blocks left to go."

7. Describe how you feel

"I don't like food thrown on the floor."

8. Write a note

"Put me on your had before riding. Love, your bike helmet."

9. Take action without insult

"I'm putting the paint away for now. I can't let you splatter the other kids."

- Don't turn a choice into a threat. Make sure both options are acceptable to you and your child.

- Appreciate progress before describing what's left to do.

- When expressing anger or frustration, use the word, I, avoid the word you.

- Express strong angersparinglyy. It can feel like an attack.

Chapter 3. Tools for resolving conflict

1. Express your feelings...Strongly!

"Hey, I don't like to see people being pushed."

2. Show your child how to make amends

"Your sister got scared on the top of the slide. Let's do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some pretzels? Do you think she'd like to play with your sand bucket?"

3. Offer a choice

"We'are goign to give the slide a rest for now. I can see you're in no mood to wait for a turn. You can swing on the swings or you can play in the sandbox. You decide."

4. Take action without insult

"We're heading home. We'll try the playground another day. I 'am too worried about children getting hurt right now."

5. Try problem-solving.

5-1. Acknowledge your child's feelings.

5-2. Describe the problem

5-3 ask for ideas

5-4 Decie which ideas you both like

5-5 Try out your solutions.

- If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations.

- Show respect for the conflict. Don't minimize the problem.

- Remove the disputed object temporarily.

- You don't have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!

Chapter 4. Tools for praise and appreciation

1. Describe what you see

"I see green lines that are zooming up and down the page. And look how they connect all these red shapes."

2. Describe the effect on others.

"The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face."

3. Describe effort

" You kept working on that button until you got it into that little buttonhole."

4. Describe progres

"you sounded out each of the ltters and you put them together. You read a whole sentence!"

- Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.

- Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.

- Give a child a new picture of himself.

- Resist the urge to praise by comparison.

Chapter 5. Tools for kids who are differently wired

1. Join them in their world

"Can I play the bubble game with you? Will you show me how?"

2. Take time to imagine what your child is experiencing.

"So to you, the seams of the socks are very irritating!"

3. Put into words what kids want to say

"You bad old rain! You took away Jon's recess!"

4. Adjust expectations: Manage the environment instead of the child

"Let's take a diaper vacation. We need some time to relax and not worry about peeing in the potty."

5. Use alternatives to the spoken word: Notes, Checklist, pictures, songs, gestures.

6. Tell them what they can do, instead of what they cannot do.

"You can thrhow your stuffed animals."

7. Be playful!

:It's time to put away the blocks. I need help from the human wheelbarrow!"

- Don't expect new skills to be used consistently.

Chapter 6 Basics - tools will not work if

- Lack of food.

- Lack of sleep.

- Need for recovery tie.

- Feeling overwhemed (the last straw syndrome)

- Lack of development or experiental readiness.

Part II

Chapter 1. Food fights

1. Acknowledge feelings

"Even though you usually like chicken, you're not in th emood for it tonight."

2. Offer choices

- Put an empty plate in front of your child and let her serve herself or ask her what she wants.

- Give kids food.

3. manage the environment

- Keep sweets and drinks out of sight.

4. Put the cihld in charge.

Let kids have as uch involvement as possible in planning, shopping, as well as preparing the meal, if you can tolerate some food landing on the floor.

5. Give information

Let kids know that "tastes change," so they don't feel stuck with their limited palate. Tell them "You might want to give this a gry when you're ready."

Chapter 2. Morning madness

1. be playful

"I don't want that food in me. No!" (shoe talking)

"You'd better get on Luke's foot fight now. You're making him late!" (parent talking)

2. Offer a choice

:Do you want to walk to the car the regular way or backward?"

3. Put the child in charge

"Can you set the timer? I need you to let me know when it's time to go out the door."

4. Try problem-solving

"It's not easy to remember all the things we have to do in the morning. Waht do you think about making a chart?"

5. Acknowledge feelings

"It's not easy to get out of a warm, cozy bed. It's nice to snuggle for a few more minutes!"

Chapter3. Sibling Rivalry

1. Accept feelings

"It can be frustrating to have a baby sister!"

2. Give wishes in fantasy.

"Come sit on my lap and be my super baby."

3. Describe what you see: Notice and appreciate the positive interactions between siblings

"You figured out how to cheer up your siste rwhen she was crying."

4. Put the child in charge so that she has an opportunity to see herself differently.

"Can you pick a board book for the baby? She likes it when you read to her."

5. Reconnect with your child

- Plan for special 1-1 times

"Would you like to make cookies when the baby take her hap? Or snuggle up and read your pop-up truck book?"

- Tell the older child stories about his baby days

"I remember when you..."

6. Take action without insults: Avoid casting a child in the role of aggressor

"We need to separate. I don't want anyone getting hurt!"

7. Try problem-solving: Res1. Describist the urge to take side and don't minimize the prblem!

"Jaime wants to build by himself and Kara wants to touch the blocks. This is a tough problem. We need ideas."

Chapter 4. Shopping with children

1. Put the child in charge

Have her help make a shopping list an dgather groceries to put in the cart.

Give her an allowance.

2. Offer a choice

"Which pasta?"

3. Accept feeligns with a with list

new tody etc

4. Give information - let kids know what to expect

Chapter 5. Lies

1. Describe what you see: Instead of asking or accusing, state the obvious.

2. Describe how you feel

"I am upset that the cake was eaten!"

3. Acceptfeelings

"It's not easy to resist cake."

4. Try problem-solving: make a plan for th etuture.

5. Adjust expectations: manage the environment instead of the child.

6. Help the child make amends.

"We'are going to need something for dessert when our friends come over. Can you do XXX?"

Chapter 6. Parents have feelings too

1. Express your feelings strongly

Instead of "you're bing rude"

2. Tell them what they can do, instead of ythey cannot do.

"You can tell me, 'mom, I am disappointed! I wanted to go'"

3. Don't forget the basics - give yourself and your child time to recover.

Chapter 7. Tattling

1. Accept feelings

"Jenna didn't like bing poked. That hurts!"

2. Help the child make amends without scolding

"Let's get a broom and sweep up the ess."

3. Try problem-solving

"How will we remember not to touch the stove dials? We need ideas"

Chapter 8. Cleanup

1. Be playful

(Shoes talking.)"Pretty please. Put me in the closet with y friends."

"How many minutes wil it take to toss all the legos into the bucket? You can set the tier. Read..set..go!"

2. Offer a choice

"Do you want to be in charge of putting away the books or the cars?"

3. Write a note

: Please hang me on the hook. Love, your coat.

4. Describe what you see

"I see orange peels on the fllow."

5. Give information

"Peels belong in the compst."

6. Say it with a word

"Coat!""Peels!""Shoes!"

7. Describe progressou got that whole pile of dirty launcy in the basket! All that's left to put away are the cars and books."

8. Describe what you see with appreciation

"Wow, look at thisbig cleanup you did. The floor was covered with dirty laundry and train tracks, and now it's a pleasure to walk on!"

Chapter 9 Doctor's office

1. Accept feelings

2. Offer in fantagy

3. Offer a choice

4. Give information

5. Try problem-solving

6. be playful

7. take action without insult

Chapter 10 Little runaways

1. Adjust expectation: manage the enviroment instead of the child.

2. Accept feelings

3. Describe your own feelings

4. offer a choice

"you can ride in the cart or you can help push."

5. be playful

"We need to stik  close together. It's a jungle out there. I think I just saw the tail of a lion bhind that car!"

6. Try ptoble-solving

ex. secret signal

7. Take action without insult

Grab your kid and go home.

Chapter 11 Hitting

1. Take action without insult

- make everyone safe - neneed to separate

- attend to insuries. "let me kiss that bump"

2. Express your feelings strongly.

3. help the child make amends

"Isabel needs something to maker her feel better. Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she'd like a strawberry?

"no pushing allowed in thei

4. Accept feelings

"It can be very frustrating..."

"It's not eay to resist hitting etc when you are mad."

5. Give information

"no pushing allowed in this house."

6. Try problem-solving

"Sometimes your little sister can drive you crazy! what can a person do when his sister is bothering him? We need ideas?

Chapter 13. Sleep

1. Aceept feelings

you want to play

2. Be playful

"I need to smooth out these terrible lumps in your bed"(press down on legs and arms of child.)

3. Try problem-solving

"Let's see what ideas we can come up with for staying in you bed at night.?

4. Take action without insult

"Mommy and daddy need to sleep! I 'am putting you back in your bed. We'll play in the morning."

Chapter 14. When parents get angry!

A. In the moment, if you must yell, use your tools LOUDLY!

1. Say it in a word

"CAR!!!"

2. Give information

"BROTHERS ARE NOT FOR KICKING!!"

3. Describe how you feel

4. Describe what you see

"I SEE PEOPLE GETTING HURT!!"

5. take action without insult.

B. When the moment has passed and everyone's safe, take care of your self.

C. Reconnect and try problem-solving.

D Seek help if you feel the anger is too much.

Chapter 15. Troubleshooting

1. when a child is too upset to cooperate, go back to accept feelings.

- Make sure your tone of voice matches the emotion.

- Try a grunt instead of words

- Put our child's thoughts into words.

- Tell the story of what happened.

2. Give your child and yourself tie to recover.

3. Help a child climb out of the pit of despair by accepting feelings, viging information and offering choices.

4. Take action and stick to your values; if you regularly cave in to whining and complaints, the tools won't work.

5. Check on the basics.

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